As I explored these memories, I accessed others that were also traumatic. The sense of being battered, when in a property dispute, the uncles got together with our lawyer to form an old boys club and managed to literally throw my mother and me out of the home we lived in, the blow to my stomach I felt when I heard of Gauri Lankesh’s murder, and so many more. The message I received was a woman with a voice will be silenced. Which is why I am grateful and awed by the MeToo movement. Finally,a platform which holds space for women to call out the injustices they face/faced. Without requiring us to delete/dial down the emotion, or to package our stories in a way that is palatable for the others. As we attempt to move away from our current patriarchal systems and structures that places so much reverence on power, in search of a new way of relating to each other, MeToo has created a platform for that first step, which is to share and listen to the stories.
I write this today for various reasons - To hold Sagar Shetty accountable for his actions towards me.To place my anger where it belongs.To let go of the shame I have carried for so long. To encourage us to continue to question our actions that may support and normalise an environment of abuse and violence. But most importantly to embrace and reclaim that vulnerable 28 year old me.
The same flawed, deeply disturbing messages we receive everyday - that we are only worthy of being listened to, if we are aligned to the power principle. But hearing them from a close girlfriend and perceived ally felt like a cruel betrayal. As I tuned into my anger at the impossible and unfair expectations we place on our women, I had to own up to how much of this messaging I had internalised. Not holding Sagar accountable because I must be partly responsible, judging myself as weak when I was vulnerable, privileging strength over vulnerability, privileging logic and reason over emotion. I may have never consciously worshiped at the old church of patriarchy, but some ofitsrules had been internalised in debilitating ways.
The next morning I woke up to find that my entire lower back and legs had tightened and cramped up so painfully, I couldn’t get out of bed. In fact I could barely move. Finally, the abject terror and immense pain that I had so deeply suppressed all those years ago was showing itself physically. Working through the physical and emotional pain, fear, anger and shame, over the next couple of weeks brought up memories of abuse that I had completely forgotten.Therapy, authentic movement, dreamwork, and deep conversations with mentors and colleagues helped access and process these memories. In fact the dreamwork and authentic movement I practice had over the last couple of years been gently nudging me towards this. I now had answers to the various scars on my body, that I had puzzled over for years. Devastating as these memories were, the deeper pain was the realisation that I had been so terrified that I disconnected from my not just from my emotions but also my body.
Today I can see that underneath the numbness was abject terror and immense pain. Back then,I had disassociated from my body and my emotions and could not access either. Instead I was in my head trying to ‘make sense’ of what was going on. The shame I felt for not being able to walk out of that situation was so great, that I managed to hide what was going on from almost everybody. My desperate attempt to hold onto to some illusion of power was by normalising the situation and ‘analysing’ it, and thereby unconsciously becoming an ally to the worst violence that I have experienced. Meanwhile the abuse got progressively worse, to the point he had no fear in abusing me in front of people.
Eventually with the support of a wonderful counsellor I managed to gather enough strength to leave. Over the last 18 years, I have rarely looked back at the ‘Sagar episode’. When I did it was from various psychological perspectives and theories to gain understanding into my own patterns, needs etc.
Three weeks ago, with the second wave of the #MeToo movement, this changed. The heartbreaking stories that emerged and the horror of knowing and having socialised with men named as perpetrators stirred things up. I began to get a sense of unconsciously being complicit in some way with this violence against women. Then I realised that I had never held Sagar accountable (even to myself) for his actions. I believed I was equally responsible, because I was not strong enough to walk out.
I was voicing this to a friend and wondering if I should name Sagar. Her response to me was
‘I don’t approve of this MeToo movement - it’s a bunch of angry women getting together and inciting each other to make all sorts of accusations. What about the poor men who are going to be falsely accused? Why do women need to come together in a group? They should learn to strengthen themselves individually and not throw their anger around and jump onto this #MeToo bandwagon. This is not the way to create change and anyway society can never be equal’.
I'm sorry I was not able to be there for the class. I was quite exhausted because it's been an emotional time. I had posted an article for the MeToo movement, (which I would like to share in this group) and there was a lot of response from family and friends.
I have done two groups with Kim before, and one of the things I've been working on is becoming more expansive, becoming 'right sized' as well as finding my voice. I do feel this impacted my writing this post.
So here it is
This is my #MeToo experience in which I name my abuser and also share my psychological process around the MeToo movement.
Fifteen years ago, in my twenties, I dated architect Sagar Shetty of Living Form, who was in hismid-fortiesat the time, for two years. During this time I was assaulted by him verbally and physically. I was screamed at, kicked on my stomach after being thrown to the ground, hit so hard that my nose bled, slapped repeatedly and even pushed out of a moving car.
The first time he screamed at me, I remember being absolutely transfixed, having had until then no experience of any kind of violence. And when he apologised, with sad stories of his own traumatic past and his need for love, I allowed myself to believe that being in a ‘normal’ relationship would be healing for him and that love was the answer. To be honest, providing this healing was a great way for me to distract myself from my own immense pain (I had very recently lost my father, broken up with the big love of my life, and along with my mother, was made to leave the home we lived in, by an uncle).
The first time he hit me, I hit back, naively thinking this would show him that he couldn’t treat me like that. He quickly disabused me of that thought by thoroughly beating me up. My confused anger was no match for his strength and violent rage. That night he established very clearly who held the power. I do believe any act of both abuse and intimacy post this night wasnon-consensual. All I felt was numb.
Thanks for sharing your process Celia! I'm delighted that you've been experiencing shifts from this work and that next steps are showing up. Yay! The block/cube energy will serve you well as you continue to share your work in the world.
My image in our first class was of me ‘being’ the SUN – huge, expansive and whole extending from my Heart!
Next step – following the class, after sitting in ‘being’ the sun I was moved to changing the topic of a class I want to offer from “handling transitions” to “removing the blocks to living your Heart’s Desire” with The Work of Byron Katie. I wrote up the class description and sent it off to my church where I will be offering the class at no charge in January.
Following a session with Kim where we went into the shaded part of my Sun, I ‘saw’ a block/cube shape and in becoming that I felt grounded and present and available. Since then I have inquired in to offering the Heart’s Desire class at our local College as part of their Community Education and will be doing that for their spring term.
Thanks Kim! Yes very helpful! I like the "delicate and gentle" vs the fragile. I think that fits. So much to think and journal. I so appreciate this!!!
Cool! I can definitely validate the creative energy that you experienced, especially when you said, “something I am becoming” and “it is a beginning.” This image is all about the creative and creative movement. I understand the “fragile” feeling that you mentioned….I’m experiencing it more as delicate and gentle. (It doesn’t feel fragile in the sense of being flimsy, or at risk of being harmed or broken.)
When you read the italicized writing below, here are a couple things to keep in mind: a) don't read it literally. As you read the writing, notice what comes up for you, how you feel in your body, what connections or resonances happen. And b) this is real—the images and energies that arrive are not 'made up.' This is important to point out, because we relate to things differently when we know that they're alive.
The Reading:
I love this feeling of beautiful, delicate creativity. I don’t want to become ‘fixed’ in any way.
What might this mean for you? Are there ways of being or areas in your life where you’ve become somewhat ‘fixed’ and would like to loosen up a little? This whole image is about movement—not harsh, aggressive or ‘big’ movement. It’s gentle and organic, and there are no “fixed” areas. It also feels somewhat centered in one place…meaning the energy wants you to stay in one place and get to know it before you think of going on any big trips or moving anywhere or taking any big actions or whatever.
The message is:
Stay in this place of gentle, organic movement. This is your Source place and something wants to unfold. Fluid, gentle, unfolding movement.
So here’s your assignment:
Repeat these italicized phrases…letting the energy penetrate your cells. Then ask if it has a next step for you.
Ok I will try this again. The image that came to me the minute you started talking about the process was a doodle that I often make on a piece of paper of a daisy flower. When I become that doodle I feel fragile like the paper it is on yet the daisy feels like something I am becoming, something hopeful that is being planted. It is a beginning.
Hi everyone! I know everyone is super busy, so please use this page in the way that's most helpful. If I don't hear from you, I'm going to presume that you're happily working with the images and energies that are coming up for you.
P.S. As I mentioned in Thursday’s class, I’m asking people not to interpret or analyze other's images. Not because you’re not awesome, intuitive and insightful, there’s an amazing depth of wisdom and experience in this group! But because there’s a particular place I’d like each of you to experience and a shift I’d like you to get. When there are other interpretations floating around, it’s easy to get off-track and confused, and it also takes us into our thinking minds. I want us to stay firmly in our bodies and the vibrational energies of the images. Thanks! Feel free to offer support, inspiration, and so on… :-)
Comments
Hi Kim and everybody else,
I'm sorry I was not able to be there for the class. I was quite exhausted because it's been an emotional time. I had posted an article for the MeToo movement, (which I would like to share in this group) and there was a lot of response from family and friends.
I have done two groups with Kim before, and one of the things I've been working on is becoming more expansive, becoming 'right sized' as well as finding my voice. I do feel this impacted my writing this post.
So here it is
Thanks for sharing your process Celia! I'm delighted that you've been experiencing shifts from this work and that next steps are showing up. Yay! The block/cube energy will serve you well as you continue to share your work in the world.
My image in our first class was of me ‘being’ the SUN – huge, expansive and whole extending from my Heart!
Next step – following the class, after sitting in ‘being’ the sun I was moved to changing the topic of a class I want to offer from “handling transitions” to “removing the blocks to living your Heart’s Desire” with The Work of Byron Katie. I wrote up the class description and sent it off to my church where I will be offering the class at no charge in January.
Following a session with Kim where we went into the shaded part of my Sun, I ‘saw’ a block/cube shape and in becoming that I felt grounded and present and available. Since then I have inquired in to offering the Heart’s Desire class at our local College as part of their Community Education and will be doing that for their spring term.
This 'next step' feels so right!
Thanks Kim! Yes very helpful! I like the "delicate and gentle" vs the fragile. I think that fits. So much to think and journal. I so appreciate this!!!
Hi Holly,
Cool! I can definitely validate the creative energy that you experienced, especially when you said, “something I am becoming” and “it is a beginning.” This image is all about the creative and creative movement. I understand the “fragile” feeling that you mentioned….I’m experiencing it more as delicate and gentle. (It doesn’t feel fragile in the sense of being flimsy, or at risk of being harmed or broken.)
When you read the italicized writing below, here are a couple things to keep in mind: a) don't read it literally. As you read the writing, notice what comes up for you, how you feel in your body, what connections or resonances happen. And b) this is real—the images and energies that arrive are not 'made up.' This is important to point out, because we relate to things differently when we know that they're alive.
The Reading:
I love this feeling of beautiful, delicate creativity. I don’t want to become ‘fixed’ in any way.
What might this mean for you? Are there ways of being or areas in your life where you’ve become somewhat ‘fixed’ and would like to loosen up a little? This whole image is about movement—not harsh, aggressive or ‘big’ movement. It’s gentle and organic, and there are no “fixed” areas. It also feels somewhat centered in one place…meaning the energy wants you to stay in one place and get to know it before you think of going on any big trips or moving anywhere or taking any big actions or whatever.
The message is:
Stay in this place of gentle, organic movement. This is your Source place and something wants to unfold. Fluid, gentle, unfolding movement.
So here’s your assignment:
Repeat these italicized phrases…letting the energy penetrate your cells. Then ask if it has a next step for you.
A statement to invoke the energy might be:
I am gentle, natural, organic movement.
I hope this was helpful!
Ok I will try this again. The image that came to me the minute you started talking about the process was a doodle that I often make on a piece of paper of a daisy flower. When I become that doodle I feel fragile like the paper it is on yet the daisy feels like something I am becoming, something hopeful that is being planted. It is a beginning.
Hi everyone! I know everyone is super busy, so please use this page in the way that's most helpful. If I don't hear from you, I'm going to presume that you're happily working with the images and energies that are coming up for you.
P.S. As I mentioned in Thursday’s class, I’m asking people not to interpret or analyze other's images. Not because you’re not awesome, intuitive and insightful, there’s an amazing depth of wisdom and experience in this group! But because there’s a particular place I’d like each of you to experience and a shift I’d like you to get. When there are other interpretations floating around, it’s easy to get off-track and confused, and it also takes us into our thinking minds. I want us to stay firmly in our bodies and the vibrational energies of the images. Thanks! Feel free to offer support, inspiration, and so on… :-)
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